Biggest Loser

I have tentatively decided not to watch The Biggest Loser this season for a very specific reason that has nothing to do with the show or with me or weight loss or anything like that, it's an outside influence that's not even really worth going into.  I don't know how long it'll last, I've watched every episode of every season, except one and that was only because my DVR messed up, my resolve may waver sooner or later.  To my credit, I didn't even know until after 9 pm last night that the season premier was on.

So, last night for the first time since the show started airing...I didn't sit in front of the tv for 2 hours watching the show.  Instead I worked out and then went upstairs to read before going to bed.  Maybe that says something good about where I'm currently heading.  Or maybe it was just that I hadn't worked out in several days and my kids have been driving me crazy and I NEEDED to sweat last night!

Last week in review

First...I am really loving the Body Bugg!  I notice that I am more active just because I know I have it on.  I have had a couple of low energy days when I didn't quite reach calorie burn goal of 3000 per day, but all the other days I have exceeded it, so I suppose it all evens out.  Now I need to start keeping track of my calories.  I'm so bad at that, I can start out the day doing it, but by the afternoon I completely forget.

I also got a new scale last week.  It's one of the types that tells you your entire body composition.  I have gotten so frustrated with doing more exercise and losing inches in my waist but no weight I thought it might be nice to look at other factors.  And I think it will help give me a realistic goal weight based on how much my muscle and bone weighs, instead of picking a random number on some scale that somebody has decided is a healthy weight for my height.

Had a hard time getting in workouts last week.  I started doing daycare for a friend's baby and am finding it exceedingly difficult to get anything done!

Body Bugg!

I got my Body Bugg yesterday and charged it up so I could wear it for the first time today!  The calorie burn goal it set for me is 3,000 calories.  The day isn't quite over yet and I still have 29 calories to burn...I think I'll make it!  It was a busy day, but not overly so.  I didn't get an actual workout in, just did a lot of walking with the dogs and at the grocery store...although it says I was only at 7600 steps and my goal is 10,000.  I suppose if I had done a workout that would have been a lot more.

I think for the next several days to a week I'll just try to get a baseline of what my activity is.  Then once I see where I'm at, then I'll try to make some changes.  It is cool to see just how many calories I really burn in a day.  The Gruve thing I used to use was nice, but just not accuate enough for me.  If I can just get used to the feeling of the Body Bugg on my arm, I'll be all set!

So.....

I haven't seemed to be able to get back into the mindset of not eating sugar.  Not that I'm going overboard, well, not everyday anyway...yesterday was an especially bad chocolate day and I really have no idea why.  I am feeling more awake and having an easier time wanting to exercise.  My skin thing has almost completely resolved as well.

In the past 5 weeks I have lost 2 inches from my waist.  And zero pounds.  So I'm guessing the 2 inches is a result of toning/strengthening my ab muscles and not fat loss.  Trying not to be frustrated, but it's hard.

I have some extra money recently and decided to order myself a Body Bugg.  I'm hoping that if I can figure out just how many calories I burn in a day and how many I *really* should be eating every day that results will follow.

I hate making goals, because it seems as soon as I do that I totally screw myself with the self-sabotage.  But, I'm gonna step out on a limb here and say that I'd like to be at 250 lbs by the end of the year, so that would mean a loss of 22 lbs.  That comes out to be about 1 1/3 lbs a week, and for most people that is a completely reasonable and attainable goal.  My body doesn't seem to resond like "most people" a lot of the time though, so we'll see what happens.

A success!

So y'all remember my hip pain keeping me from doing practically anything for a couple months, right?  I had finally asked my chiro and he had me do a couple more of the bio-cranial treatments that I had done at the end of last year that have helped WONDERS for my lower back pain.  The past couple weeks it was getting gradually better, and today....well today I just did 20 mins on my elliptical and it didn't hurt AT ALL!!!  I didn't want to push my luck and go any longer (plus I had just taken a 30 min walk with the dogs), but not only did I not have any pain, but I was surprised to find that I could still do 20 mins without feeling like I would have a heart attack.

I don't think it's quite completely healed yet, but I'm hoping with things being worked out from the chiro treatments and finally being able to exercise again that it won't take long until my hip is pain free all the time!

Sleeeeeepy

I am STILL feeling super tired all the time, so maybe it wasn't the sugar OD afterall.  I've been having a weird skin pain thing too across my chest and under my arms.  It hurts to touch or have any pressure on it.  So, haven't had any desire to workout due to barely being able to stay awake and wanting to avoid causing myself even more pain.

Forced myself to workout today though, but now I can barely move, just want to go to sleep.  *sigh*

A setback...

So with last week being "that time of the month" it got harder to control my sugar cravings.  I gave in a little, then a little more and more.  Still better than my usual, but I really didn't try to work through the cravings and just gave in to them. 

Then yesterday happened.  I went to the grocery store, they were baking chocolate chip cookies.  Then they were putting out bags of these freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.  All for only $2.99.  How is a fat chick to resist?  I mean, I LOVE chocolate chip cookies, the soft chewy pieces of heaven that they are!

I made the mistake of thinking I could be good and have just one.  Yes, I am an idiot.  I know chocolate chip cookies are a trigger food for me, always have been probably always will be.  Clearly, you can see where this is going...I ate entirely way, way too many.

Today I've been super tired and just have no energy.  At first I was like, what the heck is wrong with me, but then I was like, oh, duh!  I have a pretty good idea that is due to all the sugar I ate yesterday.  I was kind of surprised, and yet totally not surprised at the reaction my body has had.  I used to eat that way a lot though, it's no wonder I was always tired and didn't want to do anything.  I would have never really connected the two had I not gone for so long with reducing my intake, so I guess something good came of it.

Now, if only this old dog can learn some new tricks and learn something from the experience...namely, to walk away from the chocolate chip cookies the next time!

And by the way, who thought it was a great idea in that store to put the bakery RIGHT next to the produce section??  I shouldn't be assaulted by warm chocolately goodness while I'm choosing my salads and apples for the week!  Forget everything I just said, I blame THEM for my downfall!!  ;-)

Today's update

I have not been perfect since I last updated.  I have caved a couple times and gave in to my chocolate cravings.  (In the interest of full disclosure 2 of those times were today, but you'll probably understand that in a bit...)  Still consuming almost nothing compared to usual, so yay me!  And all of this is surprising considering I usually inhale chocolate during pms and that time of the month, which it just so happens to be for me (and thus why my self-control seems to be faltering more than before.)

It's HOT this week and I haven't felt as motivated to workout.  Monday I only did a walk with the dogs, and Wednesday I ended up not doing anything at all.  Still got in my WATP workouts and kettelbell exercises on Tuesday and Thursday.

No weight loss to report, which is discouraging.  Just have to keep telling myself 1) it's about a lot more than the scale or the size of my clothes, and 2) my body is totally annoying in that it can take weeks for any progress to begin showing.

Doing surprisingly well

So on Day 3 I did better than I thought I would.  Made it the entire day without having any sweets at all.  And then...  My husband sits down on the couch with me and has a big bowl of ice cream.  He offers me some and I say no because 1) I've made it 3 whole days and I'm feeling pretty good about that, and 2) this particular ice cream tastes like crap, and if I wanted to cheat I wanted it to be on something good.  But he says "I got this much so I could share it with you, so you have to have some."  UGH.  So, I allowed myself to be sabotaged or enabled or whatever you want to call it.  I didn't actually eat that much, because like I said it tastes like crap and I am admittedly an ice cream snob.

All in all I have eaten so much less sugar than usual that I guess the day was still a success.

Yesterday was the 4th day and I was dreaming of a McDonald's mocha frappe with the hot fudge drizzled on top.  Mmmmmmm....  But I didn't stop to get one, and it's quite possible the only reason was that I was 2 lanes away and there was too much traffic to get over in time to turn, but still, I didn't cave.  I did take the kids to get lunch while we were out shopping, and got an Oreo shake for all of us to share.  I poured the kids' first and had what was left, which was truly only about 3 ounces worth.  The younger two were being exceptionally difficult all day long, which normally would have sent me on a total chocolate bender to calm myself from the frustration of it all.  But I didn't find myself really craving it and didn't have any.  Now, had someone put one of those mocha frappes in front me I doubt I would have had any self control.

So, while I haven't been completely sugar free, I'm quite shocked at the lack of desire I have felt for it.  There have been lots of times I have thought about it, but I think that has been more because I was so used to having so much that I just felt like I should.  But I was able to feel that I didn't necessarily want it and so didn't eat it.  I really don't know what could possibly have switched in my brain, or for how long it will stay that way, but I'm going to go with it for now.

2 whole days

I have made it 2 entire days with zero chocolate.  (Er, aside from the cafe mocha Keurig coffee, but since that isn't the type of chocolate I crave or obessess about or consume mass quantities of or....anyway, that doesn't count.)

I did start thinking of caving yesterday.  I actually have chocolate in the house, I've even given some to my son and not even taken one teeny bit or licked my finger.  I was beginning to feel the grouchiness that comes when I don't have any for too long.  But I stuck it out and didn't have anything.  I did keep feeling like I was starving and grabbed a few things here and there to snack on. 

One step at a time though.  I need to get over my addiction to having sugar every day multiple times a day first.  Then I'll work on portion sizes and calories.

I'm betting today will be even more of a challenge.  Hopefully I'll have enough to distract me to keep me away.  My oldest son is coming home from being gone all summer and my husband will be off work today, so I hope to keep busy enough.

I have already done my walk and kettelbell workout for today, had to get it in before it's blazing hot!

Made it through the day!

So I impressed myself and actually did quite well yesterday.  I did a 30 minute walk and about a 15 minute kettlebell workout.  I drank tons of water, had 4 cups of green tea.  The only "sweets" I had was 2 big marshmallows.  Nothing chocolate at all, woot!

Today will be a challenge I'm sure.  I'm already struggling.  I am doing doggy daycare for a friend and so I have to get up at 6 am the past 2 days.  Yesterday I was good until about 4:45, but today I'm already dragging.  About to do a walk and hopefully that will wake me up.

I will probably have more of a struggle with the sugar cravings too.  Yesterday wasn't bad, I had a couple times when I thought about it, but overall was able to handle it well.  But today is day 2, my body is going to realize it's missing it's fix.  That's always my problem.  I can handle a day, but the 2nd & 3rd days are always super tough and I cave.  We'll see how it goes!

New Week, New Attitude

So it's Monday and I'm trying to start off fresh with a good attitude.  No more moping about how my weight loss has stalled for the past 7 months, it's about time I actually start TRYING to get things moving again.  No telling how long this will last, but I'm taking advantage for as long as I can. 

I recently have become friends with one of my neighbors and she is trying to lose weight as well.  She is in the Navy and had a baby 7 months ago, so it's more of a matter that she really has to lose weight for her job.  But I'm hoping that having someone around that I see nearly every day (who is not my husband harping on me) who I can see is losing weight might motivate me some more.

I have walked 30 minutes the last 2 days, planning on doing my 30 minutes for today in just a bit.  I have had a healthy breakfast, and I bought a kettlebell yesterday so I am excited to do a short workout with that today as well. 

Powerless

So I've been reading that YOU: On A Diet book still.  Just read a paragraph that talked about the emotional aspects of being overweight and allowing food to have power over you because you feel powerless in other aspects of your life.  For me that hits the nail right on the head.  I feel powerless in, well sheesh, almost every aspect of my life.  I won't go into all the gory details, just know that there are gory details, this isn't just a "woe is me, see how miserable my life is, feel sorry for me" list...but here are some of the ways I feel powerless in my life, and I'm sure there are many more.

I feel powerless to keep the house clean and organized. 

I feel powerless to get my children to behave in a remotely appropriate manner. 

I feel powerless to get my son to eat normally. 

I feel powerless to help my son with his significant focus and attention issues in ways that don't include medicaton.

I feel powerless to find a way to contribute to my family financially in a way that I actually enjoy and have passion for doing.

I feel powerless to raise my family in a way more similar to my own, so that they are grounded and value things in a way that is different from the southern california mindset.

I feel powerless against my own thoughts that have always told me I'm not good enough, likeable enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc.

I feel powerless against my own body, with its addiction to sugar and aches and pains and other afflictions that leave me feeling "off" all the time.

Of course I'm going to allow food to have power over me, everything else does.  It wouldn't make sense for me to have control over food, but not over anything else in my life.  The reasons I feel powerless are so encompassing and oppressive, I'm not sure how to not feel that way.  Somehow, the food part has to change though, weight loss will never happen for me if it doesn't. 

Ok, so I didn't walk today

The plan was to get up and go early this morning.  But last night I just couldn't bring myself to go to bed and go to sleep, I was tired, but the thought of laying down irritated me for some reason.  It was 11:30 by the time I finally gave in.  It seems that somehow deep in my brain I knew what I was in for.  I was woken at 1 something by my son because the hamster was making too much noise.  Then again at 2-ish because the hamster was STILL making too much noise.  Then I couldn't get comfortable.  Then my husband came home from work, and I already wasn't sleeping, so the noise he was making wouldn't allow me to sleep.  Then he got in bed and all I could think about was how my hip was really hurting no matter what side I was laying on, and how my neck and shoulders were sore no matter how I was laying, and how I couldn't sleep, and my arms were achy, and my legs were achy, and....well I was just totally annoyed and irritated and miserable. So, sleep didn't happen the way it should have and I didn't wake up until 7:30, and by that time my daughter was awake.  So much for getting up early.

Will try again tomorrow.

Geez, where have I been?

Haven't posted here in a while.  Not really much to say.  My hip is still hurting, going on almost 2 months now.  I did go to the chiro to see if something was out of whack causing it to be a problem.  It feels like it is sloooooooowly getting better since getting adjusted, but still not completely healed by far.  Going to start walking anyway, I'm tired of feeling like a slug, just walking, nothing too indulgent.  Going to keep the pace moderate and stay away from the bigger hills in the neighborhood if possible.  If I have to I'll just walk back and forth on the path in the green belt for 30 minutes.  I might look strange to people, but it's pretty flat there.  I figure I have to walk just to get around, so if that's aggravating it I'm screwed no matter what, might as well walk some more for exercise.  I won't really be any worse off and I'll have burned some extra calories.

My mom gave me a book while I was back up there getting my son last weekend.  It's the YOU: On A Diet book.  Dr. OZ is one of the authors, he's a pretty cool guy.  Anyway, it talks all about the actual science and biology of digestion and what foods do to/in your body and how everything effects your weight.  It's done in a way that's easy to understand and it's interesting and kind of makes you think more about what you put into your body.  Knowing something "isn't good for you" isn't quite as powerful as knowing exactly the what it's doing to you, I think it's stuff everyone should know, not just those of us who are overweight. 

Frustrated

So as you may remember, a bit over a month ago I started doing some walk/jogging in my VFF's.  The first day I was sore in both my hips.  Eventually the right side was all better, but the left is STILL bothering me.  Any type of movement where I have to lift my left leg, or even sitting for a while makes it hurt.  I just want it to get better so I can workout the way I want to.  Jogging is out since that is how I hurt it in the first place, the elliptical kills me, any walking up hills hurts (which is almost any direction around here).  I'm so sick of this!  I hate that no matter what I do, *something* is always in my way.  I can't afford $50 a month to join the Y where I could have access to a pool to workout.  So I just don't know WHAT to do in order to get in enough exercise. 

Why is it so hard for me?

So hard to just decide to DO IT, that is.  I hear so many stories of people and their success at losing weight.  And for me, it just never really clicks.  I say I want to, I'll try to do better, but in the end I never really do.  My drive to lose the weight is obviously not anywhere near as strong as my drive to eat chocolate.  I want my health to be more important to me than the power that food holds over me, but I can't seem to get to that place in my head where I think of that before I put food in my mouth or make up some excuse for not exercising.

I wish I could wake up in the morning and just decide that I'm going to do everything in my power to reach my goals.  I know everyone has setbacks, but I seem to have them every day, quite often multiple times a day.  I'm not doing everything I could be doing, not even close.  Maybe I decide in the morning that I'm going to have a great day, but by mid-afternoon I've already something to screw that up.  I know that's part of the perfectionist in me, if something can't be dong RIGHT according to my own very high standards, then I just don't try...because you can't fail at something you haven't even tried.  So even though I say I'm trying and maybe even think I'm trying, really I'm not because of my aversion to failure.

Well this weekend sucked

It started on Friday when we went out to dinner, had a big burger and fries, and a strawberry lemonade to drink.  I ordered the light lemonade, but that was about the extent of my trying to save on calories.  Then we went out to dinner again on Saturday, this time chinese food.  Probably better than the burger, but not by much.  Sunday, the 4th of July, we always go eat at Fuddruckers and park in the parking lot of the shopping center there for fireworks.  I had chicken strips, fried of course, with their ranch dressing.  I cannot resist their ranch dressing, it is SO good.  I drench every bite of chicken and french fries with it.  We also had a shake, and some cookies.  And then there was the rice crispie bars and cheerio bars my husband made.  Plus some chips and other crap thrown in. 

*sigh*

Needless to say my stomach felt awful.  While it all tasted very good at the time, it's so hard to remember how crappy you're going to feel afterward.

But it's a new week, and I'm trying to be better.  Not to shabby on the food today, and I did a quick 1 mile Leslie Sansone walk.  Not much, but baby steps.

Yesterday I tried to go for a bike ride.  I say "tried" because it really didn't go very well.  I go for the first lap around the block.  O....M....G.  I thought I was going to die.  I thought I was going to have to get off the bike and walk it back home.  It didn't take me long to realize that the seat was WAY too low for me and it was next to impossible to pedal, no matter what gear I had it in.  So I somehow manage to make it home, and have C adjust the seat for me.

And, off I go again on another lap.  Well, things were marginally better this time.  The pedalling was slightly easier with the seat higher, but I was still having a huge struggle to get the bike anywhere.  If I put it in an easy gear it just felt like I was pedalling and pedalling and pedalling and not getting anywhere.  If I put it in a harder gear it felt like my legs were going to fall off trying to push them, and I still was barely moving.  Plus the seat was still not quite high enough, and the handle bars were too low, so my arms were killing me from putting too much weight on them.

Really, I though I might have a heart attack right there in the middle of the road.  And I kept thinking...I can walk for a long time, I can jog for short stretches, I can go to town on the elliptical for 30 minutes without keeling over, why in the hell can't I pedal this bike around the block even once???  I am convinced something is wrong with this stupid bike.  I even made C get on and ride it so that I could feel better about myself and know that it wasn't just me being seriously out of shape.  Thankfully for my pride, he also had a hard time.

He adjusted the seat and handle bars for me again, but I wasn't about to go another lap.  Just those 2 jaunts made me feel like my entire body was drained of energy.  I've done a lot of hard workouts in the past and those were nothing compared to this.  I've let Jillian kick my ass and that STILL was easier than riding that stupid bike.

So I'm back

I think I did pretty well.  My mom has a whole home gym practically...a treadmill, an elliptical, a Total Gym, the bike attachment for the Total Gym, plus hand weights and a tv/dvd so you can do a video workout or whatever.  I worked out 3 or 4 of the days I was there.  I probably ate way too much, but I know I had way less sugar than I normally would have.  Haven't gotten the chance to weigh myself since coming home because our scale needs a new battery. 

I started out the week paying close attention to what I was eating and when I was full, etc.  After a couple days I didn't really pay so much attention, I suppose that's easy to do on vacation though.  Overall I'm not upset with myself about how I ate when I was there.

I did notice some things though that may have given me some insights into the way I am and how I think about myself.  Most of them had to do with behaviors of my mother.  Things that maybe I picked up suboconsciously, like never really wanting to get involved in anything.  Not sure if it is a self-confidence issue with her, or if she thinks she's too fat.  But she seems to sit on the sidelines of life and watch other people.  Which is a lot like myself.  She also seems to play the "victim" a lot.  For example, she'll be having trouble with something (oh, the trash can for example, it could be anything)...after struggling for a bit she'll get all frustrated at my step-father like it's all his fault and he should have noticed and helped.  Not sure yet how that could relate to me, still thinking on it.

Back to where it all began

On the 21st, my 2 youngest kids and I are taking a trip to MN to visit my family.  I'm super excited about going, I can SO totally use a vacation!!!  But it's also a scary thing on the weight loss front.  Several years ago, back when I only had 2 kids and more time and energy and less mess and exhaustion, I lost 50 lbs.  This miracle happened *right* before I took a trip back to MN to visit my family.  I've never seen that weight again.  I started gaining it back and never have been able to lose any significant amount since. 

I'm sure there is some deep pyschological reason for that having to do with buried feelings and whatnot.  Whatever it is, it sucks!!

The last time I was there was when my youngest child was 2 months old.  A bunch of pictures were taken, pictures that I'd like to burn.  Unfortunately, I am not able to burn them from my memory.  I looked awful.  Now I know, I know, the whole "just had a baby thing" was certainly in play with my sagging abs.  But seriously, I am disgusted by what I looked like.

Problem is, I probably don't look much different now.  That was just a couple weeks after I had the awful Mirena IUD put in and subsequently gained 30 lbs.  I've only lost 24 of those 30 lbs, so I'm still heavier than I was in those horrid pictures.  Not looking forward to seeing any pictures of me this time.  *sigh*

I want this time to be different!  I have no control over how I'm going to look in the pictures this time, I am how I am and can't do anything to change that in 4 days.  But hopefully I won't look *quite* as bad as I did 2 months after giving birth.  And hopefully I will be able to come home from this trip and still continue losing weight.  Er, well maybe start losing weight again would be a better way to put it since I'm still stuck where I am.  I just don't want anything buried in my head from the past to come back and derail me again.

I am hoping to get in some exercise while I'm there, and I'm going to continue being aware of why I want to eat and if I'm truly hungry, and being aware of when I'm full and stop eating.  I feel like I'm making baby steps in those last things, but I'm slowly getting there.  Those things should be enough to get me through the week, and then I can work on the after effects when I get home.

Success!!

No, not the kind you're thinking of or the kind I'd prefer.  This success did not come on the scale or the measuring tape, it came in the form of......taking a walk all by myself!!!

I appreciate the dog's need for exercise, and I appreciate my children's need for me to show them that exercise is important for their lives and their health.  BUT...

I really rather prefer to exercise on my own.  If they are talking to me or tagging along on my walks it slows me down and takes my attention away and I really don't get as much out of the workout as I need to.  And that's one of the biggest problems contributing to my weight, right?  Putting other's before myself all the time.  But how do you tell them "no, you can't come and get some exercise yourself"?  Ok, kids, I want you to practice what I preach, but just not at the same time as me?  It just feesl fundamentally wrong as a mother to discourage your children from doing something good for them, so I grudgingly let them come along. 

Last week I always had 1 or 2...or 3 or 4...small life forms along with me.  So this morning, even though it was earlier than I would have liked to get up, and even though my throat is sore and my lungs are hurting from a deep cough I've had now and then, I almost jumped out of bed and hurried to get out the door before one of them woke up.  I even made it back home before any of them began to stir!!

If I can't have the big things, at least I can enjoy the little things in life!!

Ahhh, the pain!

I hate that saying "no pain, no gain"...I certainly can gain quite painlessly.  What?  That's not what it means you say?  Dang!  Well in that case...I certainly am a huge wuss when it comes to the pain from working out, I hate it.  I can hurt myself, give birth with no meds, whatever, no problem.  But give me sore muscles from working out and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for my mommy.  I'm not sure what's different about it, it just is and I don't like it.  I realize that it's a necessary evil (at least at first), but I still don't like it. 

So I've decided that if this week is any indication, I've either become hopelessly out of shape, OR I'm making some gains with the small amount of running I've been doing.  With the except of Tuesday when I did a ton of errands, I have gone walking every day this week for 20-30 minutes each time, with some short stretches of running thrown in here and there.  I've been doing all of it wearing my Vibram's.

I'd read a lot of websites about barefoot running and they all cautioned against doing too much too soon when you start.  But I *thought* I was pretty used to walking barefoot since I hardly wear shoes around the house, and I've gone on 20-ish minute walks in them before, and worn them on the elliptical, as well as worn them out walking around stores or the mall.  Never had anything more than a bit of calf soreness before.  Plus my walks this week haven't been huge calorie burners, even with the running thrown in I've barely broken a sweat.

But for some reason, I am sore!  Not all the time, just when I stand up after sitting or when I climb the stairs.  I swear I must look like some hobbling arthritic old woman.  It's not like any other pain I've felt from exercise, this pain is way up high at the tops of my thighs and in my hip joints.  It doesn't hurt much while I'm walking/running, just all the rest of the time.

I don't know if it's from doing too much too soon barefoot, or if my form is wrong for being barefoot, or if it's just plain that I'm a 30-something fat woman trying to run for the first time in her life.  With my luck, it's proabably all of the above. 

Not a great day

I didn't do so hot with eating today.  Had way too much sugary stuff, and then pizza for dinner (it was pizza & movie night to celebrate the last day of school.)  I was gone doing a bunch of errands today so I didn't take a walk either.

I'm not even sure why I ate all that crap.  I wasn't feeling especially tense or anything, except for the time when I had to carry in the groceries, put them all away, deal with my daughter bugging me about 15 different things, try to figure out what to make her for lunch, and then my husband called me right in the middle of all that.  But, really, that only lasted about 10 or 15 minutes. 

Maybe my subconscious was just out of sorts because I can't send my children off to school tomorrow, LOL.  Seriously though, I do notice that many afternoons when I go to pick them up I start getting this feeling of anxiety.  As much as I love my boys, my nerves are totally raw when it comes to their...issues.  This post isn't really about them, but they are not the easiest children to deal with by a long shot and I know food has been my salve for those wounds many, many, many times.

Whatever it was...it's annoying!  I can understand those days when things happen to make me feel stressed or whatever.  I would expect to eat crap those days and I could be aware that it would happen and try to find ways around it.  But today it was just like I was on autopilot, oh, there's a cookie, I'll just put it in my mouth.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day. 

Week of June 7th

So this coming week I have some goals I'd like to accomplish.  First, is somehow getting off my exhausted butt and exercising again.  I got sick a little over a month ago and I haven't been able to get back into anything physical since then.  Not that I was doing tons before, but weeks of having zero energy just did me in.

My goal is to take some easy walks, nothing too long or strenuous, Monday through Friday.  Just want to take some baby steps, get used to the routine of it.

So this morning K and I took the dog for a walk.  It was more of a walk/light jog because K wanted to run, so I ran with her.  Well, at least as much as a fat woman can, plus K has much shorter legs than me, I don't have to go very fast to keep up with her.  I was wearing my Vibram Five Fingers.  They are SO awesome, I just love them!  If I'm wearing shoes I can't run at all, after about 10 seconds my shins are screaming and burning in pain.  I can push myself through the kind of pain that comes from being too fat and trying to exercise, but that shin pain is excruciating.  Wearing the Vibram's makes me want to run, and I can actually do it, with NO PAIN!  A friend of mine started talking about barefoot running awhile ago and it always intrigued me, but I was scared to really try it.  Or maybe I was more scared of having anyone see me try it.  Or hear me, when you're my size there are too many things flapping and too much huffing and puffing and gasping for air.  But it actually feels good to feel the warmth of the ground on your feet, you feel more at one with the earth, er...well the cement or black top around here, but for me it is a totally different experience than walking or jogging with shoes.  And the freedom from pain is a big plus too!

My next goal is water.  Water, water, water.  I know I haven't been drinking nearly enough lately so it's definitely something to work on.

And I need to continue working to pay attention to my body, when I eat, why I eat, what other feelings might I be trying to push away, how hungry I am, when I feel full.  Even if I don't start making any different choices yet I need to first be aware of all these things all the time.

I tried

I really did.  I saw them at the store, they looked good, cheery almost, and they smelled good, so I bought some.  I hoped they'd taste really yummy.  I tried to eat one.  I made my lunch, and put one on my plate.  I ate all my other food and sat there staring at it.  I wanted to eat it, but suddenly I was afraid.  Had a quick little pep talk about how the stupid thing wasn't going to kill me and to man up and take a dang bite.  So I did...it wasn't yummy.  It was like a mushy apple, only much worse.  Blech.

What was it?  A plum.  Not that it really matters what it was, it could have been almost anything.  When you try to eat healthier, what's the first thing you think of?  Fruits and vegetables.  Problem is, I don't really like very many of them. 

I think the reason is twofold.  First, when it comes to fruits and veggies I have a big issue with texture and bitterness.  If it's mushy in any way, I don't like it.  If it's bitter in any way, I don't like it.  There are ones that I can only eat cooked (tomatoes, onions, peppers.)  And ones that I can't eat at all because it makes me gag (canteloupe.)  Some I can only eat if they are mixed in with a bunch of other stuff and I pretend like I didn't see it (zucchini.)  Even the ones I like, I'm picky about.  Bananas have to be just past being green, even a teeny bit too ripe and I don't like them.  Apples have to be super crisp.  Strawberries I'll eat, but unless they are super sweet (or slathered in vanilla frosting) it's almost like torture to eat them.  But since the sweet ones are SO good, and when it comes to strawberries you have no idea what you're going to get, I keep eating them anyway.  Peaches are the same.  Actually, not really...I have found that I can ONLY eat peaches from Palisade, CO.  Any from the store suck big time, there is just no comparison. 

Anyhoo...

The second reason I think is because my mom is a picky eater.  I used to think I was picky, then I got older and realized she's so much worse than I am.  I think her feelings and not eating of so many things either 1) made me not want to eat them, or 2) we just didn't have them around so I didn't have the opportunity to try them.

So I'm stuck with the same old same old all the time.  I do occasionally try new things, but they usually turn out like that plum.  I WANT to like them, I really do.  I just can't seem to change my pesky taste buds.

So how did I get here?

Recently I read Geneen Roth's new book "Women Food and God."  I was a bit hesitant because of the "God" part, but figured I could just skip past anything that I took issue with (and it turns out it's not about "God" in the sense that most people refer to the word.)  Anyway, I had heard some things about it that made me think it was a book that I really needed to read.  Geneen Roth is a wonderful writer (I'd read many articles by her, but this was the first of her books) and this is the kind of book where almost every page you have an "ah-ha!" moment.  So, to kind of sort out all my totally messed up thought processes I am going to babble on a lot about some of the things this book made me think about.

Starting with the beginning...

Sometimes it feels as if I were born like this.  Seriously, I started getting fat when I was like 4 years old.  I can't pinpoint one thing that led me down this path, there were many contributing factors.  First, my parents divorce.  They were actually divorced before I was born.  So right off the bat as a young child I had to deal with visits with my father, I don't really remember them, but I know they didn't last very long since we moved to another state right around the time I turned 5.  Then I grew up hearing my family talk about my father like he was a dead beat.  Rightfully so, but when you're that age you don't equate not paying child support and not being around as someone else's personality flaw.  You see it as your flaw, you must not be good enough to care about.  Then you hear comments from family members saying your mother should have joined the army instead of getting pregnant, or read letters saying that your father wanted your mother to get an abortion.  None of these things were meant to hurt me (or probably for me to even know about), but again, being so young I couldn't understand the true meaning of any of that.  So I took it to mean that nobody wanted me.  Then my mother got involved with another man, a man who for many years gave me the impression that he didn't want to be a father.  He would have done anything for my mom, but for me, not so much.  So again my young, confused mind is convinced that I'm on the outside, unwanted by everyone.  Those are feelings no child should have, but I had lots and lots of them.  I was hurting, but I wasn't able to put any of that hurt into words yet.  So, I ate.  Food was good, food was safe, food didn't abandon me or hurt my feelings.

Then, I'm in school and I'm also gaining weight.  So now not only am I feeling rejected by my family, I'm feeling rejected by my peers as well.  You know how it is when you're a kid, if you're different, you're picked on.  I was fat and I was smart, a double whammy.  I was self-conscious so that made me quiet and shy.  Even more reasons for other kids not to be jumping at the chance to be friends with me.

I was also picked on a lot by family members when I was a kid.  Not in a mean way, in a "you've got a good sense of humor and are fun to tease" way.  But being as sensitive as I was, I didn't really take it to be all in good fun.  I never really let on how much it bothered me, but it did bother me, a lot.

As far as I was concerned, I was not good enough for anyone to care about.  I didn't have anything to prove me wrong, so I believed that about myself, believed it with my whole being. 

And I still do in many respects. 

As an adult I can understand that my concept of situations and relationships back then were distorted.  I know that I really didn't have this horrible childhood and I wasn't really unwanted by everyone around me.  I know that right now people do love me and want me around.  But knowing and believing aren't always the same thing.

Accountability

This new blog is going to be about accountability.  I'm tired of "trying" to lose weight and never being able to do it.  I'm ready to shed all my demons...all the nagging thoughts where I tell myself that I suck at everything and I'll never be able to do it, when I tell myself nobody really likes me so who cares if I'm fat, all the put downs and self-degradation.  I'm tired of that.  I know it won't be easy to think differently about myself, but it's the only way I'm ever going succeed.  I have to believe that I am worthy and deserving of health and happiness, or I'm doomed to stay this way forever.  So this is the start of my new way of thinking and I need to be accountable, or else it will be too easy to slip back into old habits.

To begin with, I currently weight 268.2 lbs.  I have lost 24 lbs, but I've been stuck in the 268-271 range for the past 5 months.  I feel like I've put up this huge mental wall and I have been unable to break through it.  I am definitely happy to be maintaining!  BUT, I'm ready to see that scale go down again!  I still have about 110-120 lbs left to lose, so it's time to get my head back in the game.