Recently I read Geneen Roth's new book "Women Food and God." I was a bit hesitant because of the "God" part, but figured I could just skip past anything that I took issue with (and it turns out it's not about "God" in the sense that most people refer to the word.) Anyway, I had heard some things about it that made me think it was a book that I really needed to read. Geneen Roth is a wonderful writer (I'd read many articles by her, but this was the first of her books) and this is the kind of book where almost every page you have an "ah-ha!" moment. So, to kind of sort out all my totally messed up thought processes I am going to babble on a lot about some of the things this book made me think about.
Starting with the beginning...
Sometimes it feels as if I were born like this. Seriously, I started getting fat when I was like 4 years old. I can't pinpoint one thing that led me down this path, there were many contributing factors. First, my parents divorce. They were actually divorced before I was born. So right off the bat as a young child I had to deal with visits with my father, I don't really remember them, but I know they didn't last very long since we moved to another state right around the time I turned 5. Then I grew up hearing my family talk about my father like he was a dead beat. Rightfully so, but when you're that age you don't equate not paying child support and not being around as someone else's personality flaw. You see it as your flaw, you must not be good enough to care about. Then you hear comments from family members saying your mother should have joined the army instead of getting pregnant, or read letters saying that your father wanted your mother to get an abortion. None of these things were meant to hurt me (or probably for me to even know about), but again, being so young I couldn't understand the true meaning of any of that. So I took it to mean that nobody wanted me. Then my mother got involved with another man, a man who for many years gave me the impression that he didn't want to be a father. He would have done anything for my mom, but for me, not so much. So again my young, confused mind is convinced that I'm on the outside, unwanted by everyone. Those are feelings no child should have, but I had lots and lots of them. I was hurting, but I wasn't able to put any of that hurt into words yet. So, I ate. Food was good, food was safe, food didn't abandon me or hurt my feelings.
Then, I'm in school and I'm also gaining weight. So now not only am I feeling rejected by my family, I'm feeling rejected by my peers as well. You know how it is when you're a kid, if you're different, you're picked on. I was fat and I was smart, a double whammy. I was self-conscious so that made me quiet and shy. Even more reasons for other kids not to be jumping at the chance to be friends with me.
I was also picked on a lot by family members when I was a kid. Not in a mean way, in a "you've got a good sense of humor and are fun to tease" way. But being as sensitive as I was, I didn't really take it to be all in good fun. I never really let on how much it bothered me, but it did bother me, a lot.
As far as I was concerned, I was not good enough for anyone to care about. I didn't have anything to prove me wrong, so I believed that about myself, believed it with my whole being.
And I still do in many respects.
As an adult I can understand that my concept of situations and relationships back then were distorted. I know that I really didn't have this horrible childhood and I wasn't really unwanted by everyone around me. I know that right now people do love me and want me around. But knowing and believing aren't always the same thing.
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