Frustrated

So as you may remember, a bit over a month ago I started doing some walk/jogging in my VFF's.  The first day I was sore in both my hips.  Eventually the right side was all better, but the left is STILL bothering me.  Any type of movement where I have to lift my left leg, or even sitting for a while makes it hurt.  I just want it to get better so I can workout the way I want to.  Jogging is out since that is how I hurt it in the first place, the elliptical kills me, any walking up hills hurts (which is almost any direction around here).  I'm so sick of this!  I hate that no matter what I do, *something* is always in my way.  I can't afford $50 a month to join the Y where I could have access to a pool to workout.  So I just don't know WHAT to do in order to get in enough exercise. 

Why is it so hard for me?

So hard to just decide to DO IT, that is.  I hear so many stories of people and their success at losing weight.  And for me, it just never really clicks.  I say I want to, I'll try to do better, but in the end I never really do.  My drive to lose the weight is obviously not anywhere near as strong as my drive to eat chocolate.  I want my health to be more important to me than the power that food holds over me, but I can't seem to get to that place in my head where I think of that before I put food in my mouth or make up some excuse for not exercising.

I wish I could wake up in the morning and just decide that I'm going to do everything in my power to reach my goals.  I know everyone has setbacks, but I seem to have them every day, quite often multiple times a day.  I'm not doing everything I could be doing, not even close.  Maybe I decide in the morning that I'm going to have a great day, but by mid-afternoon I've already something to screw that up.  I know that's part of the perfectionist in me, if something can't be dong RIGHT according to my own very high standards, then I just don't try...because you can't fail at something you haven't even tried.  So even though I say I'm trying and maybe even think I'm trying, really I'm not because of my aversion to failure.

Well this weekend sucked

It started on Friday when we went out to dinner, had a big burger and fries, and a strawberry lemonade to drink.  I ordered the light lemonade, but that was about the extent of my trying to save on calories.  Then we went out to dinner again on Saturday, this time chinese food.  Probably better than the burger, but not by much.  Sunday, the 4th of July, we always go eat at Fuddruckers and park in the parking lot of the shopping center there for fireworks.  I had chicken strips, fried of course, with their ranch dressing.  I cannot resist their ranch dressing, it is SO good.  I drench every bite of chicken and french fries with it.  We also had a shake, and some cookies.  And then there was the rice crispie bars and cheerio bars my husband made.  Plus some chips and other crap thrown in. 

*sigh*

Needless to say my stomach felt awful.  While it all tasted very good at the time, it's so hard to remember how crappy you're going to feel afterward.

But it's a new week, and I'm trying to be better.  Not to shabby on the food today, and I did a quick 1 mile Leslie Sansone walk.  Not much, but baby steps.

Yesterday I tried to go for a bike ride.  I say "tried" because it really didn't go very well.  I go for the first lap around the block.  O....M....G.  I thought I was going to die.  I thought I was going to have to get off the bike and walk it back home.  It didn't take me long to realize that the seat was WAY too low for me and it was next to impossible to pedal, no matter what gear I had it in.  So I somehow manage to make it home, and have C adjust the seat for me.

And, off I go again on another lap.  Well, things were marginally better this time.  The pedalling was slightly easier with the seat higher, but I was still having a huge struggle to get the bike anywhere.  If I put it in an easy gear it just felt like I was pedalling and pedalling and pedalling and not getting anywhere.  If I put it in a harder gear it felt like my legs were going to fall off trying to push them, and I still was barely moving.  Plus the seat was still not quite high enough, and the handle bars were too low, so my arms were killing me from putting too much weight on them.

Really, I though I might have a heart attack right there in the middle of the road.  And I kept thinking...I can walk for a long time, I can jog for short stretches, I can go to town on the elliptical for 30 minutes without keeling over, why in the hell can't I pedal this bike around the block even once???  I am convinced something is wrong with this stupid bike.  I even made C get on and ride it so that I could feel better about myself and know that it wasn't just me being seriously out of shape.  Thankfully for my pride, he also had a hard time.

He adjusted the seat and handle bars for me again, but I wasn't about to go another lap.  Just those 2 jaunts made me feel like my entire body was drained of energy.  I've done a lot of hard workouts in the past and those were nothing compared to this.  I've let Jillian kick my ass and that STILL was easier than riding that stupid bike.

So I'm back

I think I did pretty well.  My mom has a whole home gym practically...a treadmill, an elliptical, a Total Gym, the bike attachment for the Total Gym, plus hand weights and a tv/dvd so you can do a video workout or whatever.  I worked out 3 or 4 of the days I was there.  I probably ate way too much, but I know I had way less sugar than I normally would have.  Haven't gotten the chance to weigh myself since coming home because our scale needs a new battery. 

I started out the week paying close attention to what I was eating and when I was full, etc.  After a couple days I didn't really pay so much attention, I suppose that's easy to do on vacation though.  Overall I'm not upset with myself about how I ate when I was there.

I did notice some things though that may have given me some insights into the way I am and how I think about myself.  Most of them had to do with behaviors of my mother.  Things that maybe I picked up suboconsciously, like never really wanting to get involved in anything.  Not sure if it is a self-confidence issue with her, or if she thinks she's too fat.  But she seems to sit on the sidelines of life and watch other people.  Which is a lot like myself.  She also seems to play the "victim" a lot.  For example, she'll be having trouble with something (oh, the trash can for example, it could be anything)...after struggling for a bit she'll get all frustrated at my step-father like it's all his fault and he should have noticed and helped.  Not sure yet how that could relate to me, still thinking on it.